What a hard trip on a meditative road. I feel inadequate not having screwed up as much as you. But then again, maybe it just wasn’t the same way of not getting bettter over the years.
Too many people, like me, read Alan Watts as a kid and had to work out of waiting for enlightenment. Or, more likely, waiting for the smack on the head and shouting Zarathustra!, no, Eureka!, no that’s Greek. Wait. . .
That’s the problem, Watts was always kind of Greek to me. Ten years later I saw the thing while sitting on the bank of the Mekong looking at the limestone karst in central Laos. Or maybe it was what we were smoking. Who knows but it was a total thing not to be repeated.
It took another thirty years, a lot happens in thirty years, and my wife reading the Heart Sutra and things were bad but getting better. I went and sat. No goal. A few more years and it was just a time for that.
It’s not a thing or the thing’s absence. Maybe its the place the thing would be if it were allowed to stop but it doesn’t get to stop because there is no place to sit.