Press Briefing White House, December 24, 2017
Sarah Hucksterbee, when asked about the status of the late Vice President Mike Pence, informed the press corps that Pence had been an official in the Obama administration and had little or no involvement with the Trump White House after appointing Michael Flynn as Trump’s National Security Adviser.
“You can’t expect a great man such as President Trump to involve himself in the day to day details of the administration”, Hucksterbee added. “All of these things were part of the conspiracy hatched by Obama and Hilary Clinton who smuggled Pence into the White House on the evening of the inauguration. The President had no idea that Pence was being installed as his Vice President.” Hucksterbee refused to answer any further questions on the Vice President who’s body was found on the White House grounds last Saturday morning after falling to his death while attempting to repair a Christmas light on the White House roof. This is the official explanation of the Vice President’s untimely death which came at a particularly difficult time for the Trump administration.
The fact that the vice president’s body was found by members of Robert Mueller’s office as they were arriving to take the vice president into custody under a secretly issued warrant has added to the questions. This also included a subpoena for documents related to the vice president’s order to Michael Flynn to “do whatever was necessary to get Russia to screw up Hilary Clinton so no one would ever want to grab her by the cunt” as a just released, hand written document stated. Mueller’s office is attempting to determine exactly who’s handwriting it is on that document. The assumption that it is Pence’s as it was on Pence’s official letterhead is contradicted by the large number of misspellings. Sarah Hucksterbee refused to comment on the unusual wording of the note given Pence’s well known fear of women and general refusal to acknowledge the existence of female sexual organs.
On a related story, there are growing questions about the tragic accident that removed Jared Kushner’s tongue and amputated all of his fingers early in December. The official account was that Kushner was attacked by a wolf while walking down the eerily lit Christmas walkway in the White House reception area late on the evening of December 10th. Melania Trump found him while wandering through her Christmas design and has stated that the wolf, rarely seen in urban Washington D.C., ran out the open White House door. The wolf had ripped Kushner’s tongue out and had gnawed off all of his fingers. Kushner has not been able to confirm the bizarre attack as he is unable to communicate except by nodding and grunting. Initial confusion over the FLOTUS account in that she seemed to say werewolf has been explained as the result of trauma. She has moved back to New York to recover and is rumored to be planning an extended trip to Europe for the New Year.
The president has also indicated he is planning his first official trip of the new year since the long planned January trip to Great Britain was canceled. The unusual cancellation that was received tied to a rock thrown through a White House window was apparently signed by the queen but there has been no confirmation that it was addressed to the Orange Asshole. The substitution of an extended trip to Russia to stay at Vladimir Putin’s winter dacha has also raised questions as no return date has been announced. When questioned the Russian ambassador said only that there is always room for the useful foo . . .Trump. Sarah Hucksterbee later put out a short statement that the Russian ambassador apologized for his congenital stutter that had caused a misunderstanding among some of the reporters present. It is also rumored that she may be accompanying the president on his Russian trip.
The briefing ended with wishes for a eerily white Christmas with no mention of the New Year.
